this blog originally appeared at thesagemama.com

Each of us have many aspects to us. One part of us is the cool, calm, competent adult. One part of us is the playful, energetic child. One part of us is the wounded, wanting to be loved child. One part of us is the wise, complete soulful voice. There are many more parts and depending on our own development, some parts are more hidden than others.

I recently was feeling out of sorts and anxious. I wasn't able to connect and re-center so I talked with one of my coaches. What we discovered is that the desperate part of me (which was a very young part of me) was trying to run things. The desperate part of me was getting frustrated and irritated with my children. And no wonder, the desperate part of me was a 7 year old. Imagine a 7 year old trying to run a household and manage three children -- it doesn't work.

As soon as I got that image of me as a youngster trying to make things work, I relaxed. I was able to see that I have choices as to what part of me I bring out today. So now when I get reactive with my children, I recognize that a part of me needs support and recognition. Once I acknowledge that part of me, I can go back to my mother/adult role and be more present in the moment.

The actual process I follow is to consider and write out the answers to the following questions:

this blog originally appeared at thesagemama.com

I returned this week from taking a womb-surround birth process workshop. It was a life-altering experience for me and while I can't explain it all here, I would like to share some of what I learned and how it applies to us as parents.

Our nervous systems are made to cycle in a regular pattern with an up cycle and a down cycle. If we are in a state of overwhelm, we either keep cycling up to a state of overstimulation or keep cycling down to a state of isolation. If we can realize we are on the edge of overwhelm, we can restore ourselves to balance and self-regulate.

"Taking a pause" refers to acknowledging and naming we are on the edge of overwhelm. In the group setting I was in, a person would raise their hand, interrupting whatever was going on, and say "I need a pause". The group would stop, the person would name what was occurring, and then after a few moments of adjustment and settling back in, the group would resume. What this felt like emotionally and physically would be getting agitated, realizing I was getting agitated, announcing a pause, and then just letting my body take its time and calm down. It was remarkable easy to do.

At home, I am practicing the same thing. The only difference is that the children might not stop what they are doing but I go ahead and announce my pause anyways. I pause, regroup and let my body assimilate whatever it's reacting to, and then can rejoin the activity.
What makes pause so profound is that as the parents learn now to self-regulate their nervous systems, the children automatically calm down. We all know the experience of being stressed by something and the children acting more wound up than usual -- we have such a profound influence on our families, that taking a pause can dramatically shift our dynamics.

this blog originally appeared at the sagemama.com

At the birth process workshop I attended a few weeks ago, a key theme was the concept of getting support. If the parents are under-supported, then parenting becomes an over-whelming experience.

With support, parenting is transformed into the magical experience that we all crave. I've experienced the state of overwhelm all too many times. What I didn't know was how to better get support and what that support looks like.

In the workshop, we had many chances to practice asking for and receiving support in both a physical and emotional manner.

What surprised me is how much physical support was helpful.